Dear diary

Dear Diary,

I remember how it used to feel when I liked a guy, when there was someone special in my life - that little smile that never left my face, that habit of staring into space and giggling to myself, the endless spate of phone calls and text messages that I tried so hard to hide and all the excuses I made to get out of my house just to meet him. Unfortunately, mom would always figure out something was up and then there would be an endless series of questions and arguments, sometimes even big fights were mean things were said that we both wept about afterwards. But even the thought of that couldn't dampen the pleasure that came with having a 'boyfriend'.

And now that I have grown up enough to stop running after boys, enough to stop falling for any random guy that professes his love for me, the tables have turned. I watch mom smiling, that beautiful wide smile that we haven't seen for years, as she sends messages on her phone. All her phone conversations are carried out in the privacy of the balcony and if I listen hard enough, I can hear giggles. She has vague sounding training programs and conferences even on weekends. Heck, she even took a vacation alone. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I cannot deceive myself when everything is happening before my eyes. I keep looking for a moment to stop my mom and ask her, just as she used to ask me, "so who's the guy?". Like she did to me, I want to shake her, snap her out of her lovelorn reverie and remind her that she has responsibilities, a family.

And then I catch a glimpse of my dad. I see the love in his eyes when he looks at mom. I watch him follow her around the house, showering her with hugs and kisses, trying his best to lessen the burden on her shoulders. I see how he let mom go on that solo vacation, even though we could ill afford it. I watch how he pays those elevated mobile phone bills, how he ignores those endless conversations, how he subconsciously makes excuses for all those actions that I have come to hate mom for. And that shuts me up. No matter what I want to say to her, I could never do that to dad.

So there you go diary. Life as usual - messy and complicated in every possible way.

Vanya.