September 19, 2011

I am touched that even after disappearing for ages, people still comment on posts on this blog. :) But I have another blog now - a mix of everything including makeup/perfume/clothes and such girly things, but also some of my writing (and with more to come). I don't know when I will post here again, but if you would like to read some of my thoughts, drop by the other blog. :) It's called Les Pensées de Ki. I'm starting college soon and learning to be a grown up and I'll be writing all about it there, I promise. :)

May 25, 2011

And it's a strange feeling...

...when it seems like you don't know yourself anymore. You don't know the girl that went to college, that had a great job, that loved to read and to go to dance class.

And it's a strange feeling when some 'time off' seems to make you confused about where you wanted to go in the first place - do you really want that Master's in sociology? Or this business idea that you have - are you really good enough?

And it's a strange feeling when you're not just a baby anymore and you have to shoulder some responsibilities, when no one is going to take care of you anymore, when you have to stand up and do what is right and not what you want.

My name is Aparajita Karthik and I am rediscovering myself in bits and pieces. What I've learned so far?
Well, I really need to start writing again and I'm making a conscious effort to keep a journal. I'm not half as good as I used to be, but it's easy to get better when you know you used to be good.
I'm not sure about Sociology - I couldn't tell you anything about how a Masters degree in that would benefit me. But I do know that I want to start studying French again and once we're done with our move next month, I plan to join again. 3 hours a day/5 days a week. Sounds intense, huh? Well, just because I don't want to study Sociology doesn't mean I should sit at home and be a dud. And yes, I do know that I want to create my own makeup in the future someday, which brings me to the wonderful point about being responsible.
I need to work and earn some money and start saving to be able to do that someday. More importantly, my husband, who runs two houses on one person's salary would appreciate me taking some of it on.

Sigh. Married life is a blast, thankgod because growing up AND living a blah life while doing it would be the death of me. Still, there is a lot to do and one silly little Ki who has to learn to do it.

January 5, 2011

back to square one

Alone. Living on phone calls. Waiting.

November 9, 2010

Dear diary

Dear Diary,

I remember how it used to feel when I liked a guy, when there was someone special in my life - that little smile that never left my face, that habit of staring into space and giggling to myself, the endless spate of phone calls and text messages that I tried so hard to hide and all the excuses I made to get out of my house just to meet him. Unfortunately, mom would always figure out something was up and then there would be an endless series of questions and arguments, sometimes even big fights were mean things were said that we both wept about afterwards. But even the thought of that couldn't dampen the pleasure that came with having a 'boyfriend'.

And now that I have grown up enough to stop running after boys, enough to stop falling for any random guy that professes his love for me, the tables have turned. I watch mom smiling, that beautiful wide smile that we haven't seen for years, as she sends messages on her phone. All her phone conversations are carried out in the privacy of the balcony and if I listen hard enough, I can hear giggles. She has vague sounding training programs and conferences even on weekends. Heck, she even took a vacation alone. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I cannot deceive myself when everything is happening before my eyes. I keep looking for a moment to stop my mom and ask her, just as she used to ask me, "so who's the guy?". Like she did to me, I want to shake her, snap her out of her lovelorn reverie and remind her that she has responsibilities, a family.

And then I catch a glimpse of my dad. I see the love in his eyes when he looks at mom. I watch him follow her around the house, showering her with hugs and kisses, trying his best to lessen the burden on her shoulders. I see how he let mom go on that solo vacation, even though we could ill afford it. I watch how he pays those elevated mobile phone bills, how he ignores those endless conversations, how he subconsciously makes excuses for all those actions that I have come to hate mom for. And that shuts me up. No matter what I want to say to her, I could never do that to dad.

So there you go diary. Life as usual - messy and complicated in every possible way.


The new family

A salwar kameez clad girl stood outside a building in Madras. There was a man standing on the first floor of the building, beaming down at her encouragingly, beckoning her upstairs. With her mother pushing her forward, she slowly climbed the staircase. Each step seemed to take more effort than the last, until she saw them both standing together - the man who had called her upstairs and his wife, a tiny little lady who looked a little nervous. The moment they spotted her, they welcomed her with open arms. She smiled - maybe meeting his parents wasn't going to be that hard after all.

As you have clearly guessed, that girl was me. And the beaming man and tiny lady are Ka's parents, my future in laws. It sounds silly to say it now, but I was so scared of ogre like in laws that I almost died of nervousness the day I made that trip. And now, I complain to my mom in law about Ka, I exchange smses with his dad - it's amazing how they have given me the perfect little place in their family, without me trying too hard to fit in.

It's not just them I was afraid of though, I had built up an image of Ka's sister in my mind which I'm sorry to say was rather mean. Blame it on the Hindi serials that I watch, but I had pictured a scheming sis in law who would hate me and try her best to create obstacles in my way. Far from it. She gives me practical advice on every little thing related to being married - it's like she is my guardian angel when it comes to setting up home and getting married and I LOVE that about her.

What I love more about her though is her son. Ka's nephew and (soon to be) my nephew! He is such an adorable little kid, he chats with me on the phone for ages about everything from school to books (we're both reading Rick Riordan and like Artemis Fowl!!!) to his attempts to learn Hindi. I love how our conversations and uninhibited, almost as if we were friends. I love how smart he is and how whenever I ask him a questions, he thinks carefully before replying - it's such an adult thing to do but it fits his personality perfectly.

The person I was most scared of though, has got to be Ka's brother in law i.e., his sister's husband. I just don't do too well with men in general - they're usually not very good talkers, there are awkward pauses and weird "hmmm"s peppering the conversation. Plus I had no idea what on earth to call him. The short version of his name and my nickname are the same!!! And I'm sorry, but I draw the line at calling someone by MY name. And that too, a man. God! But one day, not so long ago, my grandfather lost his hearing. After a week full of anxiety, it turned out that the doctor had given an incorrect diagnosis and that there was very little chance that he could ever hear again. I called Ka in tears and he did the most sensible thing he has ever done - he called his brother in law (who is a geriatric doctor btw). For the next two days, my mom was constantly in touch with him and he went out of his way to find out the right course of action for my grandfather. Happy ending? Yes, indeed. While my grandfather's hearing couldn't be 100% salvaged, it did get much better with the right treatment. After this, I was in awe of Ka's brother in law. When I finally spoke to him this Diwali, all I could manage was a feeble "thank you". He sounded so warm and kind on the phone! I cannot wait to meet him now.

So there you go - Ka's parents, his sister, his nephew and his brother in law - my amma and appa, my didi, my nephew and my brother in law. I'm lucky to have them all. :)