The good:
I'm working on a book where *I* am the editor.
The wedding is just 2 and a half months away.
I'm blogging again (sort of).
The bad:
Not one of my so-called friends is coming for my wedding. Has life after college pulled us THAT far apart?
September 29, 2010
June 16, 2010
memories
A friend once promised me that a long distance relationship would be horrid because I would “forget every goddamn thing that was a reason to love him.” At the time, I thought he had a point. The worst times in my relationship with Ka were the days preceding his move to France, with both of us petrified of change to the extent that we made promises about breaking up if it got too hard.
Did it get “too hard?” It most certainly did. We had hundreds of little arguments, lots of big fights and even a few serious episodes when everything looked like it would go just downhill.
But I have a trick – I think of his smile. I doubt if anyone has ever seen Ka smile in any of the photographs he’s got up on Orkut, Facebook or the like. He gets by mostly by looking into the camera with serious eyes and a little smirk playing about his lips, but never a smile.
It is only when he is amused by my silly antics or looking at me lovingly that he breaks into a smile. And what a smile it is! It lights up his entire face, including those piercing eyes. That smile is one of the reasons that I fell in love with him and its carefully preserved memory is what gets me through arguments and fights – big and small. My friend was wrong – it is something I could never forget.
To anyone who is afraid of being apart from someone they love, all I can say is – take one memory and keep it carefully in your heart. And wait till you can recreate it all over again. And if you do forget, ask yourself whether it was love, after all or simply a game of pretence.
April 30, 2010
Don't quite know what to write
What do you write when one of the people you admired the most has left the world?
My great grandmom died day before yesterday. Yes, I'm saying died. Not passed away, 'no more' or other such genteel versions of the cold, hard truth. I got to see her lifeless, shrivelled up body ravaged by years of sickness. I got to see her being tied to a wooden pyre and being carried off. I got to even place a few grains of rice in her mouth before she got cremated. But I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. We got there too late.
She used to cook, clean and wash her own (9 yard) saris even till 4-5 years back. Considering that she died at the age of 97, that just shows how she was - life personified. Generations and generations benefited from her loving warmth - my grandfather and his family, my mom and her siblings, my siblings and I. There isn't anyone in the family she hasn't fed, bathed, clothed and lovingly scolded. Even though she was very unwell over the past few years, she fought to stay around for the birth of my cousin's baby a few months ago, her brother's engagement and my engagement. She wanted to come for the weddings too - I guess that wasn't meant to be.
To say that we'll miss her is an understatement. We're all going on with our lives and in a while, the searing pain of her loss will be gone. But there's a void in our hearts where she used to be. And it's never going to get filled in. I can see myself ten years from now, thinking of her just as much as I am today, telling my babies the very stories that she used to tell, feeding them the same comfort food and telling them about the great great (well, GREATEST) grandmother that they could ever have known.
My great grandmom died day before yesterday. Yes, I'm saying died. Not passed away, 'no more' or other such genteel versions of the cold, hard truth. I got to see her lifeless, shrivelled up body ravaged by years of sickness. I got to see her being tied to a wooden pyre and being carried off. I got to even place a few grains of rice in her mouth before she got cremated. But I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. We got there too late.
She used to cook, clean and wash her own (9 yard) saris even till 4-5 years back. Considering that she died at the age of 97, that just shows how she was - life personified. Generations and generations benefited from her loving warmth - my grandfather and his family, my mom and her siblings, my siblings and I. There isn't anyone in the family she hasn't fed, bathed, clothed and lovingly scolded. Even though she was very unwell over the past few years, she fought to stay around for the birth of my cousin's baby a few months ago, her brother's engagement and my engagement. She wanted to come for the weddings too - I guess that wasn't meant to be.
To say that we'll miss her is an understatement. We're all going on with our lives and in a while, the searing pain of her loss will be gone. But there's a void in our hearts where she used to be. And it's never going to get filled in. I can see myself ten years from now, thinking of her just as much as I am today, telling my babies the very stories that she used to tell, feeding them the same comfort food and telling them about the great great (well, GREATEST) grandmother that they could ever have known.
March 25, 2010
25. 30. 35.
So I found a cure for the 'oh I'm growing up' freak out that had taken over me these past few days. I mean, I'd started to get an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I'd think about the future. It seemed like an endless stretch of maturity and responsibility. EW. So I sat and spent an hour doing my most favourite thing ever - I made a list. But not just any list. This is the 25-30-35 list and it made me the happiest I've been these past few days! :D And here it goes (not in order of priority):
BY THE TIME I TURN 25, I WANT TO:
BY THE TIME I TURN 30, I WANT TO:
BY THE TIME I TURN 35, I WANT TO:
(Best part? This is 100% realistic and fiance approved. :D :D :D)
BY THE TIME I TURN 25, I WANT TO:
- Start taking dance classes again
- Learn to cook food from three different types of cuisines
- Go to Paris with Karthik
- Learn Italian
- Go to Italy and practice that Italian
- Sponsor a kid's education
- Get a fish pedicure
- Finish my Masters
- Go to Disneyland
- Get red streaks in my hair
- Own the perfect black dress and pair of heels
- Get a tattoo
BY THE TIME I TURN 30, I WANT TO:
- Go to Egypt and Turkey
- Teach kids (what? I'm not so sure)
- Learn how to read and write in Tamil
- Get laser surgery on my eyes
- Get a pet
- Have kids
BY THE TIME I TURN 35, I WANT TO:
- Write a book
- Buy a house
- Stop working full time
(Best part? This is 100% realistic and fiance approved. :D :D :D)
March 23, 2010
Feeling whiny
How do you ever know when you're grown up enough to be responsible for yourself? How do you know when you no longer need to be fed and pampered and taken care of? How do you know when you're old enough to find a job and keep at it?
Aside from the fact that marriage to my (then) boyfriend is the most magical thing that's ever going to happen to me, I realise it comes with a bucket-load of responsibilities. No more sleeping till noon just 'cos I feel like it, no more skipping college (and soon work) just because I'm lazy or my hair looks crappy, no more waiting to be served at the dining table myself, no more magically washed and ironed clothes on my bed... the list, quite frankly, is both long and scary. I try to tell myself to suck it up and well, gear up for everything to come. I mean, my fiance does it. And without whining. How tough can it be?!
Oh who am I kidding?! I'm a pseudo adult. I like being fed when I'm tired and grumpy. I hate most household chores (washing vessels and dusting being exceptions) and bribe my brother to do them for me. I rarely cook 'ghar ka khaana', it's mostly pizza, pasta type of stuff that no one can eat on a daily basis. Plus you know what my ideal day is? Wake up, watch a movie, eat, bathe (sometimes), watch another movie, eat, watch HIMYM or Ugly Betty or... you get the damn picture, don't you?!!!
And this may be slightly unrelated but I'm scared of moving to France as well. It's a new country, a new city, a new job (hopefully) and a new college (HOPEFULLY). And I'm oddly quiet around new people - which by the way, is something I didn't discover till the last few days of college when EVERYONE told me, "Oh you came across as quite a snob" (except replace 'snob' with 'stuck up bitch'!) I never thought I'd say this, but I want to stay in India. And not just that, I want to stay with my in laws in Madras. If my fiance's reading this, he's going to be very surprised and I cannot blame him because one of the first times that the possibility of staying with his parents came up, I was less than glad. But I LOVE them now! And I want to stay with them and take care of them. And help around the house and all, but not so much that the word 'housework' make me feel queasy, you know? And of course, they dote on me as well and my dad in law totally takes my side over ka's so yeah, it'd be great if we could do that. But of course - not happening.
Anyhoo, this rant has run its course and I'd just like to say that I DO love ka with all my heart and I'm absofreakinlutely EXCITED about the life that we're going to live together. As long as he does most of the housework and cooking. And you know, gets me a TV. :D
Aside from the fact that marriage to my (then) boyfriend is the most magical thing that's ever going to happen to me, I realise it comes with a bucket-load of responsibilities. No more sleeping till noon just 'cos I feel like it, no more skipping college (and soon work) just because I'm lazy or my hair looks crappy, no more waiting to be served at the dining table myself, no more magically washed and ironed clothes on my bed... the list, quite frankly, is both long and scary. I try to tell myself to suck it up and well, gear up for everything to come. I mean, my fiance does it. And without whining. How tough can it be?!
Oh who am I kidding?! I'm a pseudo adult. I like being fed when I'm tired and grumpy. I hate most household chores (washing vessels and dusting being exceptions) and bribe my brother to do them for me. I rarely cook 'ghar ka khaana', it's mostly pizza, pasta type of stuff that no one can eat on a daily basis. Plus you know what my ideal day is? Wake up, watch a movie, eat, bathe (sometimes), watch another movie, eat, watch HIMYM or Ugly Betty or... you get the damn picture, don't you?!!!
And this may be slightly unrelated but I'm scared of moving to France as well. It's a new country, a new city, a new job (hopefully) and a new college (HOPEFULLY). And I'm oddly quiet around new people - which by the way, is something I didn't discover till the last few days of college when EVERYONE told me, "Oh you came across as quite a snob" (except replace 'snob' with 'stuck up bitch'!) I never thought I'd say this, but I want to stay in India. And not just that, I want to stay with my in laws in Madras. If my fiance's reading this, he's going to be very surprised and I cannot blame him because one of the first times that the possibility of staying with his parents came up, I was less than glad. But I LOVE them now! And I want to stay with them and take care of them. And help around the house and all, but not so much that the word 'housework' make me feel queasy, you know? And of course, they dote on me as well and my dad in law totally takes my side over ka's so yeah, it'd be great if we could do that. But of course - not happening.
Anyhoo, this rant has run its course and I'd just like to say that I DO love ka with all my heart and I'm absofreakinlutely EXCITED about the life that we're going to live together. As long as he does most of the housework and cooking. And you know, gets me a TV. :D
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