Don't quite know what to write

What do you write when one of the people you admired the most has left the world? 


My great grandmom died day before yesterday. Yes, I'm saying died. Not passed away, 'no more' or other such genteel versions of the cold, hard truth. I got to see her lifeless, shrivelled up body ravaged by years of sickness. I got to see her being tied to a wooden pyre and being carried off. I got to even place a few grains of rice in her mouth before she got cremated. But I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. We got there too late.


She used to cook, clean and wash her own (9 yard) saris even till 4-5 years back. Considering that she died at the age of 97, that just shows how she was - life personified. Generations and generations benefited from her loving warmth - my grandfather and his family, my mom and her siblings, my siblings and I. There isn't anyone in the family she hasn't fed, bathed, clothed and lovingly scolded. Even though she was very unwell over the past few years, she fought to stay around for the birth of my cousin's baby a few months ago, her brother's engagement and my engagement. She wanted to come for the weddings too - I guess that wasn't meant to be.


To say that we'll miss her is an understatement. We're all going on with our lives and in a while, the searing pain of her loss will be gone. But there's a void in our hearts where she used to be. And it's never going to get filled in. I can see myself ten years from now, thinking of her just as much as I am today, telling my babies the very stories that she used to tell, feeding them the same comfort food and telling them about the great great (well, GREATEST) grandmother that they could ever have known.

25. 30. 35.

So I found a cure for the 'oh I'm growing up' freak out that had taken over me these past few days. I mean, I'd started to get an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I'd think about the future. It seemed like an endless stretch of maturity and responsibility. EW. So I sat and spent an hour doing my most favourite thing ever - I made a list. But not just any list. This is the 25-30-35 list and it made me the happiest I've been these past few days! :D And here it goes (not in order of priority): 


BY THE TIME I TURN 25, I WANT TO:

• Start taking dance classes again
• Learn to cook food from three different types of cuisines
• Go to Paris with Karthik
• Learn Italian
• Go to Italy and practice that Italian
• Sponsor a kid's education
• Get a fish pedicure
• Finish my Masters
• Go to Disneyland
• Get red streaks in my hair
• Own the perfect black dress and pair of heels
• Get a tattoo

BY THE TIME I TURN 30, I WANT TO:

• Go to Egypt and Turkey
• Teach kids (what? I'm not so sure)
• Learn how to read and write in Tamil
• Get laser surgery on my eyes
• Get a pet
• Have kids

BY THE TIME I TURN 35, I WANT TO:

• Write a book
• Buy a house
• Stop working full time

(Best part? This is 100% realistic and fiance approved. :D :D :D)

Feeling whiny

How do you ever know when you're grown up enough to be responsible for yourself? How do you know when you no longer need to be fed and pampered and taken care of? How do you know when you're old enough to find a job and keep at it?

Aside from the fact that marriage to my (then) boyfriend is the most magical thing that's ever going to happen to me, I realise it comes with a bucket-load of responsibilities. No more sleeping till noon just 'cos I feel like it, no more skipping college (and soon work) just because I'm lazy or my hair looks crappy, no more waiting to be served at the dining table myself, no more magically washed and ironed clothes on my bed... the list, quite frankly, is both long and scary. I try to tell myself to suck it up and well, gear up for everything to come. I mean, my fiance does it. And without whining. How tough can it be?!

Oh who am I kidding?! I'm a pseudo adult. I like being fed when I'm tired and grumpy. I hate most household chores (washing vessels and dusting being exceptions) and bribe my brother to do them for me. I rarely cook 'ghar ka khaana', it's mostly pizza, pasta type of stuff that no one can eat on a daily basis. Plus you know what my ideal day is? Wake up, watch a movie, eat, bathe (sometimes), watch another movie, eat, watch HIMYM or Ugly Betty or... you get the damn picture, don't you?!!!

And this may be slightly unrelated but I'm scared of moving to France as well. It's a new country, a new city, a new job (hopefully) and a new college (HOPEFULLY). And I'm oddly quiet around new people - which by the way, is something I didn't discover till the last few days of college when EVERYONE told me, "Oh you came across as quite a snob" (except replace 'snob' with 'stuck up bitch'!) I never thought I'd say this, but I want to stay in India. And not just that, I want to stay with my in laws in Madras. If my fiance's reading this, he's going to be very surprised and I cannot blame him because one of the first times that the possibility of staying with his parents came up, I was less than glad. But I LOVE them now! And I want to stay with them and take care of them. And help around the house and all, but not so much that the word 'housework' make me feel queasy, you know? And of course, they dote on me as well and my dad in law totally takes my side over ka's so yeah, it'd be great if we could do that. But of course - not happening.

Anyhoo, this rant has run its course and I'd just like to say that I DO love ka with all my heart and I'm absofreakinlutely EXCITED about the life that we're going to live together. As long as he does most of the housework and cooking. And you know, gets me a TV. :D

My name is?

I was the first grandchild on mom's side of the family and my parents' first born as well. Much before I was born, my parents had decided to call me Kirti. It means fame and of course, they wished that their little daughter would grow up to be famous worldwide. :D 

Enter the pandit at the 'namkaran' ceremony who was shocked at their choice of name. "Bada hi ashubh hai.", he reportedly screeched and ordered my parents to name me something starting with 'A'. So after much deliberation, I was named Aparajita after a character that Vyjanthimala (spelling?) portrays in some film.

Thus began a lifelong tussle between my 'ghar ka naam' and my 'school waala naam'. Kirti was the naughty little chit of a girl who was spoilt rotten by everyone at home and Aparajita went on to become the serious, studious type who sat quietly and read in a corner while her classmates rolled in the dust outside. I'm not talking like I'm schizophrenic to freak you guys out, that's just how it was. It took me many years to open up and tell my friends to call me Kirti which relieved me from the burden of being good little Aparajita all the time! Of course, names never stay as they are. So Kirti became Ki, Kiki, Kiku and all such sorts of nonsense. And when I was old enough to have them, the steady stream of boyfriends in my life would use the stereotyped 'baby', sweetheart', 'darling' endearments instead of my name, which made me even more infuriated with what I have come to call 'the name situation'.

The boyfriends became history but the confusion continued. My in laws wouldn't call me Kirti! And why not?! Because their son in law's name is also Kirti! Apart from cringing at the fact that my name seems to be a unisex one, I was stuck wondering what they could call me. Ki wasn't 'proper' and despite that fact that it has been suggested to me many times, Appu was a BIG, FAT NO!!!!!!!! My dad in law finally solved my problem by deciding to call me Chikku, what he used to call my fiance when he was a baby. It's not my name of choice but I'd rather be named after a fruit (chikku) than an elephant (appu)! And of course, the fiance himself calls me anything from 'wifey' to jackass' to 'barbie'. Thanks baby!!!

The conclusion? There isn't one. Every time someone calls me, it takes me a minute or two to turn out, I realise too late when I'm being referred to in conversations and I end up ignoring my teachers very often when they go 'Apaaaaaaraaaaaaaajitaaaaaaaaaa'. :D Okay so that last one is often on purpose but that doesn't mean I'm not facing a genuine problem! Ask me what my name is and you'll know!!!

He said, she said

She tripped for the millionth time that day. He'd been watching her from the corner of his eye, so he knew just when to stretch his arm out and stop her from hitting the ground.

He said - You are SUCH a freak. *amused look*

She said - FINE. *pout*

He said - I like you okay? :)

She said - *kiss*